I hear people say things like “forgiveness is overrated”, “why should I forgive that person” or “I am not ready yet”.
Most people have a misperception about forgiveness.
1) Some think that forgiving somebody will mean, they now condone what happened and that it is for the benefit of the other person, to relieve their guilt.
2) Others think that forgiving somebody must be the highest form of unconditional love and therefore if you truly forgive – you now should be able to be/spend time with this person again.
3) Then there are those who think that “to forgive is to forget” and all is just fine and dandy again.
None of the above is accurate!
1) Forgiveness NEVER means that you will condone what happened. It isn’t about righting the wrong or having to bend over, not at all. You never betray your truth!
Plus it really isn’t meant to benefit anybody else but YOU! It’s not for the other person!
2) If and when you do forgive somebody, you may never ever see this person again, and that is ok. Forgiveness is NOT about the other person and it doesn’t mean you have to be “bff’s” again. One could actually consider it being a self-ish act, since the purpose is to free yourself from the other person by letting go of your own attachments!
3) If indeed this person is very close to you and you choose to forgive in order to keep the relationship intact, you cannot sweep it under the proverbial rug.
There is no “forgiveness button”. There is no timeline and there are no set rules. It is not a “one time” action and there is no “quick fix” either. Forgiveness is a process that can take time and certainly requires repetition. It is a choice that you must make to free yourself from the pain of the past; in other words, to keep “it” from marinating you in the suffering.
Forgiveness means there is always an abuser role and a victim role present. Both require forgiveness. Forgiveness will always include self-forgiveness, as, whether you like it or not, it always takes two to tango. Perhaps you were the abuser, perhaps the victim. Neither experience is positive nor is worth holding onto! Both are driven by fear!
True, it doesn’t change the past or what happened but it is the only way for you to move forward freely.
Everything is energy. We replay the mental story of what happened from our perspective as well as the emotional experience of how it made us feel. If you keep the story alive in your mind by engaging the old thoughts and voices, you are keeping yourself attached to the other person and the situation through energetic cords. These cords are the reason we want to aim for forgiveness… .
AND self-forgiveness will increase your awareness about yourself. As you recognize your – abuser or victim- aspects, you will change your behavior through change of action!! You are taking responsibility for the victim or abuser – you. This means as you forgive yourself through awareness you also set yourself free from the old pattern within and give yourself the permission to choose anew!
This is why forgiveness is hard and not for the weak of heart. It takes gusto to take responsibility for your own patterns. Good/bad doesn’t matter, patterns are patterns and energy.
Imagine yourself reliving the story of your past in your mind over and over again. Mostly when you are feeling particularly tired, sad, angry, weak and triggered by a similar experience that feels just like what happened in the past. Not only are you staying in your story but what is even worse, you are unknowingly holding onto the other person through the energetic cords that connect you both! Think about that! How many people are you holding onto? Imagine the weight! Imagine the energy it takes to maintain these cords!
You must break the cycle! It will not only change your programming and patterns but also disconnect your energetic cords and connections to the other(s).
How to forgive:
Whenever you feel the old emotions you breathe and stop the thought patterns from hooking you. Visualize the person that is under your mental attack. Then say out loud:
“I release you from playing this role for me. Go in peace.
I release you!”
Simultaneously visualize the energetic cord getting cut on your end as you say “I release you”, leaving you free to be you and clearing the karma between you and the other.
This process must become your inner, private practice to repeat whenever you are feeling resentment toward another!
How about self-forgiveness?
When you witness yourself mentally blaming or shaming another, you are being the abuser.
If you are witnessing yourself blaming and shaming yourself, you are being the victim.
This may vacillate, as most of us have both patterns within.
Here you follow a similar process. Breathe and feel through the emotions these thoughts or voices activated.
Remember; you have to feel it to heal it!
Now you say to yourself: “I forgive me (say your name) for playing this role”. “I am not this role”. “I free me from playing this role. “ “I am open to choosing a better role for myself!”
See, forgiveness is a mental practice; it is a mental act. Whenever you are blaming, shaming and feeding resentment you want to pay attention. It is your cue to pivot and release.
If this particular person is in your life you certainly want to find the time and place for communication, for solution focused conversation and clarity. This will give you the position to choose this person anew or change the dynamics. You are in charge, you are in control of your peace and self respect!
Don’t leave it to anybody else. Take it! Own it! Claim it!
Slowly but surely you will free yourself from the lack of love and the stories of lack from your past. This will free you to move forward into a bright and joyous future because only when you are free, can you create anew!
Forgive as much and as often as you can. It will clear your energy and open your heart. Creating your reality your way!
With much love and blessings of light to you and yours.